The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
