we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
