He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
