When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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