I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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