And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
