Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
