Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize