and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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