Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
