Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
