You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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