Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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