i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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