Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
