Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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