Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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