im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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