My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
