I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
