i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
