My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
