Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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