Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Congratulations! We have a period
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