i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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