I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
