So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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