Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
