I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
