mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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