My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
