she woke up with a sticky ear
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
