He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
