On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
