i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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