its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
