You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
