I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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