I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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