Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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