Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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