I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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