My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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