I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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