it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
