i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
