Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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