im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
