You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
