Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
