My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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