i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
