This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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