I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He shit in the fireplace
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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