If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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