This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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