i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
