My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
